Thursday, July 26, 2012

10 of the strangest things sold on Amazon

When I had amazon prime, I bought everything on amazon.  Last year I bought all of my family's Christmas gifts from amazon. I bought a laptop case, two SD cards, shorts, clogs, lotion, all of my textbooks, a lolcats book, and an umbrella (among other things). I bought soap on amazon. Twice. Unfortunately I no longer have free two-day shipping but I still remember thinking about buying some really weird stuff just because like, it was there.

1. Wolf Urine
So apparently some people sprinkle wolf urine on their gardens to keep deer and other animals out. I didn't always know this so pretend like I didn't tell you that and it's funnier and more bizarre. Also the reviews on this are hilarious. Oh look--it's on sale!
The most troubling part of this is probably the shipping process. What if the container leaks? What if the smell actually lures wolves? The possibilities for diaster are endless.

2.Uranium Ore
Not really sure how this is legal. Guess it's $50 for a reason.

3. Fresh Whole Rabbit
So this is rabbit is for you to prepare and eat in your home. It helps that the picture is already so appetizing.
jk it looks like a dead fetus :(

Why is this anti-birth control book $132? It's not even hardback!  Also the description was in all caps so I didn't read it but it's probably pretty funny so I'll post a screenshot here. 
Not really sure what you would use this for. Ages 18+. This is mainly just disgusting.

Data disintegrators are high security machines capable of destroying:
  • All types of paper
  • Credit Cards
  • Company I.D. badges
  • Audio tapes and cassettes
  • Floppy disk
  • CD-Rom/DVD
  • Plastic Credit Cards
  • View Graphs
  • Microfilm
  • 4mm and 8mm cassettes
  • Currency
  • Books and Manuals
  • Securities, Stocks and Bonds
It is approved by the U.S. Department of State to discard even the most confidential files. So basically, if you're super paranoid and a regular shredder/scissors won't work,  it might be worth the $68,000. Also it's lookin pretty retro, so these will probably come back in style. Be the first of your friends to instagram it.

I don't know whats going on here. It honestly reminds me of this time two days ago when the lock button on my iphone wasn't working and I almost sent a bunch of people texts that said "zzzzzlkd;flkdf  ;;//;;234 ....... ..adfgekzzzzzz." Either way, the reviews say that jjjj really hit it home on this one.(read the reviews they are funny)

For people who hate Nancy Pelosi so much, they literally want to wipe their butts with her face. Made possible by the internet. In no other country would you be allowed to spear poop all over a politician's face. Thanks America!!!!

For some reason this really grosses me out. You know when you think you're about to take a sip of milk but it's water and it's really gross? Imagine that with meatballs and bubblegum. Imagine the texture of meatballs and the flavor of bubblegum. My brain is throwing up. If you somehow prank me with these I will never talk to you again. Serious.
Do you ever see a squirrel running around in the forest and think, man that thing should really be wearing some underpants! It's so unhygienic! Then these are definitely for you. 
In all seriousness though, I don't understand how this would work. First off, the only way you can ever get close enough to a squirrel is through luring it with peanuts. That would mean a squirrel mouth/teeth would be near/on you. Disease central! Squirrel underpants are probably how AIDS got started. The risk of squirrel bite is SO high, you probably have a 90% change of getting squirrel rabies. People have to go to the hospital and get shots when they get bitten by dogs, and people keep those things in their homes as pets and let them run their tongues all over their children. Think of how much more disgusting squirrels probably are. I rest my case.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Guilty Pleasures I actually feel bad about

I avoid using the term "guilty pleasures," because there are few things I love that I am actually ashamed of. I'm not saying that because I only listen to things that are generally accepted as coolI have been known to jam Destiny's Child, The Partridge Family, Justin Bieber, and Call Me Maybe more than normal. But I don't feel bad about that. Here are bands that I listen to, like, and am ashamed of. 

Third Eye Blind

do do do do do doo do do do do do do doo do do do do do doo do do do.
I'm packed and I'm holdin she's living she's growin she lives for me says she lives for me ovation the world motivation she comes round and she goes down with me and i'll make her smile make her talk to you doeverwhatyouwannadocominoveryou
I don't even think those are the right lyrics, but that was my attempt to transcribe what happens whenever any song from this album starts playing: I immediately start singing along. I don't know how anyone couldn't. This album sort of changed my life, and I wish I were kidding, but I'm being 79% serious. When I was thirteen I was curious about music and went through my dad's CD collection. This was one of the first things I found. Thank you dad for having such awesome taste in music because I am still obsessed with Third Eye Blind and it is embarassing and I know all the words to all their songs, but I actually really LOVE them and I know it's weird and lame but I don't care. TEB rules, here's a link for you to listen to the whole album you're welcome.

Kylie Minogue

I don't know what it is, but I think Kylie Minogue is really cool. Growing up, all we got was MTV arabia, which played a lot of stuff like this which was okay but didn't really appeal to me that much. Kylie's music was in English, and I seemed to identify with it a lot more than European pop music for some reason. I guess it makes sense; she's like the Australian Britney. And those red cone-head outfits? So Devo. Plus that weird white jumpsuit/hoodie thing she wears is sort of awesome. Yeah, I am just into it.

Linkin Park

I remember seeing this video and having the distinct thought "Is this cool?" I honestly didn't know. And I still don't know if people actually liked Linkin Park, or if they were just making fun of the screaming and weird emo-anime vibes. In high school, I had a friend, let's call him Devin. Devin was the tallest, skinniest person I had ever met. He was Thai and obsessed with the internet and would move his hands like a crazed scientist and say things in weird voices and creep people out. In 3rd-year Spanish we were assigned to make children's picture books, and the main character of his was pedobear. Of course our teacher had never been on 4chan and didn't know what pedobear was but thought it was really cute and gave Devin an A+ and everyone was kinda annoyed but still laughing. ANYWAYS, we somehow became really good friends (despite him always saying things like "I HATE CURTAINS!!!!") and had a math class where Devin would imitate Linkin park's screaming in this song but only like 3 times more intense and everytime he did it I would bust up laughing. We would constantly make fun of Linkin Park but still listen to them. To this day I can't really take Linkin Park seriously or listen to them without laughing so I guess I don't really like them but I do listen to them for entertainment so it is still slightly embarrassing.

Sheryl Crow/Alanis Morissette

In my head, these are the same person. I love that both of these are just like "F THAT" songs. YEAH GIRL POWER. The world needs more angry women.

Savage Garden/Train
Again, these bands are the same thing in my mind. Also they haven't come out with anything in 10 years, so don't even try to talk to me about that hey soul sister song because it doesn't exist. 

"Can you imagine no love, pride, deep fried chicken?"Train
I feel like that explains itself.
Also, does anyone remember on Brad's season of the bachelor when he was on a date with Jackie and Train came and performed? Ugh. That entire thing made me want to gag because Jackie is so annoying and everything she says is dumb and she has a weird nose. Plus Train isn't even good anymore. I was forgetting that Train was still together and that kinda ruined it for me LONG LIVE TRAIN OF THE 90s.

When I was 10, I thought this song was SO GOOD and romantic. I still hope someone proposes to me with this song playing in the background. I would have to decline, but I plan on being proposed to several times by several different men so I'll be okay. But don't tell me this song isn't mesmerizing and strangely catchy. 

What is the future of this blog?

I just don't know, -10 followers, I just don't know. If you want to stick around, I may be posting about stuff you hate, stuff you really don't care about, stuff you are neutral about, and stuff that doesn't make you throw up. No guarantees though, I AM PRETTY UNPREDICTABLE. We'll see what happens.

Live, Love, L.O.L.,